I am sorry…

: bloodrose

I am sorry

 

 

Subhendu Mohanty

31/12/2015

 

In the middle of the flight, Kiara woke up to go to the washroom. When she returned, she was too lazy to push her way into the middle seat. And with Rishaan readily offering to shift seats, the seating arrangement changed. With twenty minutes still remaining for the flight to land, a sleep starved Kiara took another power nap, this time holding Rishaan’s right hand more firmly. Rishaan’s other hand, though, nervously moved to touch Diya’s. Her heart skipped a beat. Diya pulled her hand away. But a defiant Rishaan held her wrist again, this time firmly and more reassuringly. The changing behavioural dynamics between the three perhaps gave out a foreboding of what was to come in Goa.

When the flight landed at the Dabolim Airport, Rishaan felt uncanny…his excitement seemed replaced by an unknown fear that he found very difficult to decipher.

Does she already know? Rishaan’s mind was racing. She couldn’t possibly have, he tried to calm himself down and nudged Kiara gently on her left arm.
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I am sorry

So all I could do is put words to my feelings, which would probably fall flat.. So all I could do is pine and lament a society I am a part of. So all I could do really is – nothing ?

Reams of paper and ink will be lost in a phase, which, in all its probability, shall also pass.

Could we really do anything? Anything at all??

I know each of us is carrying a burden of shame and most probably self-loathing. I certainly am. Let’s face it, how different am I from those who did this heinous crime of crumpling a life which ought to have realised its many dreams, aspirations. Can I be honest and claim I never harboured any ill-feelings, self-germinated or otherwise, for the opposite sex? To me, an act of sexual abuse is just another manifestation of self-hatred, inferiority complex from strong and successful women and not to forget a troubled and biased upbringing. Looking down upon women, belittling women, at work, at college, at any walk of life, to me, is probably as heinous a crime, if not amounting to such tragic and disastrous impact. The impact, we have been brought up with, in our Indian cultured society. And I admit today, I have committed this crime, a few times that is and am as ashamed about it as I have been for judging any other person in my life or forming baseless opinions about them.

Why should even I take pride in the fact that I treat women with utmost respect and love? I have been ridiculed about this trait of mine in the past, amounting to slurs and jibes during college days. My question is, shouldn’t we all respect each other, as a friend, as a colleague and just as another human being. The germ of gender inequality is ingrained somewhere in our sub-conscious, which is probably hard to let go, sadly.

So can I do anything at all? Yes I can – I take this opportunity to apologize to each of you, man, woman, friend or otherwise, for my past behaviour towards you, if that has ever made you question my integrity as a human being, more than anything else.

Have been going through a vast sea of emotions of late, regarding the current state of affairs in India and couldn’t help but pen a few lines…sorry, again in Odia.

 

 

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