You & I

Two hands reach for each other against the sky

What  happened…

 

“Hello? Just saw your message. What happened ? Are you okay?”

“Hi, mmm..no nothing.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing?”

“Just nothing, don’t bother. Nothing happened”

“Are you okay?”

“Just don’t bother I said.”

“No cmon, then why you messaged?”

“Sorry.”

“You don’t have to say that.”

“I said it.”

“I didn’t ask for a sorry, why are you doing this?”

“I am sorry, again.”

“I don’t need your sorry.”

“I understand that already.”

“What?”

“I understand what you want.”

“Now would you stop and just tell me where you are!”

“I never moved on. Still standing there.”

“Please can you stop playing games?”

“I never did.”

“You never stopped playing, didn’t you?”

“I never said that.”

“Its always me isn’t it?”

“Yes, always.”

“But why? Cant you leave me alone?”

“What was your question?”

“Cant you spare me?”

“No I asked what was your question?”

“I just need a yes or no.”

“That was never a question. That’s just what you want.”

“What if I told you I had enough?”

“Tell me.”

“I am telling you, right here, right now.”

“Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me now?”

“For what you just wanted to say.”

“Now what did I say to deserve that?”

“You never did.”

“Never did what?”

“You never said it.”

“Never said what?”

“But you never said it, I just said.”

“Please I am going crazy now.”

“I am just here.”

“Where ? For heaven’s sake can we have a normal conversation?”

“I thought we were having one.”

“Until I realised I am just standing in front of the lift unable to move.”

“I am sorry.”

“Now you have to tell it as it is. Stop saying sorry all the time, is it clear?”

“Yes.”

“Yes what? Tell me what do you really want?”

“I just..”

“Wait; just tell me, in as simply as you can put it, what is that you want from me now?”

“I just wanted to tell you, it’s nothing. Please don’t bother.”

“But how can I?”

“What can I do to make it easier for you?”

“If you just stop sending me random messages.”

“Sorry, I never did.”

“What?”

“Sorry, I never will.”

“Please try and understand, it’s not easy for me either.”

“I understand, it’s difficult.”

“And hurtful too, for me, as much as it may be for you.”

“I know now.”

“What do you mean now?”

“Sorry.”

“For fuck’s sake would you stop saying sorry again and again?”

Silence.

“Are you there?”

“Yes I am. And I will never be sorry.”

“Because saying sorry doesn’t really change anything.”

“Yes, we never change.”

“YOU will never change.”

“I trust you.”

“At least you accept my words now.”

“I trust you, please believe me .”

“Its fine, I really have to press the button now.”

“Please.”

“You take care. I have to hang up now.”

“Where are you going?”

“Have got a meeting, well you needn’t know.”

“I know.”

“What do you know? No tell me what do you know??”

“I just meant…”

“I know what you mean. I exactly know what that sick brain of yours is upto.”

“No you don’t, trust me you don’t.”

“Trust! How fake that word sounds coming from your mouth!”

Silence.

“Anyways, please don’t let me change my number.”

“Do I have that right?”

“Of course you don’t. Hope you all well, and please, LET ME LIVE.”

“Do I still have that right?”

Hung up.

CALL HISTORY

You        Today    11:03     25mins

MESSAGES

Feb 15  22:32   You: Enough is enough, hope you realise one day what you have done to me. I can’t live a life of lies and suspicion any more. We need a break.

Today 11:01      I: If I die today, will you come see me?

 

Today 11: 30    I: I know I don’t have any right to say sorry for what I have done. Do I still have that right to say sorry for what I have thought? I won’t die. I don’t deserve death.

Worse, I don’t deserve you.

Message sent.

 

11:32     Incoming call      You

Swipe to answer

Call disconnected.

 

What really happened…

 

“Hello? Just saw your message. What happened? Are you okay?” Please tell me you are all fine…

“Hi, mmm..no nothing.” I don’t know what to say, apart from the fact that your call just saved me..

“What?” If you want to say something, say it now!

“Nothing.” I really mean it, I thought I would harm myself, but then decided otherwise. Nothing happened.

“What do you mean nothing?” How can there be just nothing? I know you are fine now, but nothing?

“Just nothing, don’t bother. Nothing happened” Yes, I know you care, but you would be happy to know I did nothing like what I wrote.

“Are you okay?” Okay so you won’t say it, I know my ways to get what’s cooking in your mind.

“Just don’t bother I said.” I know you are concerned, but I have been telling you again and again, nothing of that sort happened what my message might have made you think.

“No cmon, then why you messaged?” You can’t do this now; you got to admit what your heart is saying.

“Sorry.” I really am, for what I did on the Valentine’s day. For doubting you.

“You don’t have to say that.” Of course you can message me, but don’t test my patience now.Will you just say what I want to hear?

“I said it.” I am saying it loud and clear; I shouldn’t have let suspicion rule my heart and mind.

“I didn’t ask for a sorry, why are you doing this?” You never understand, do you?

“I am sorry, again.”  Oh, okay, sorry for giving you something you didn’t want from me. Like every time, then and now.

“I don’t need your sorry.”

“I understand that already.”

“What?”

“I understand what you want.” Trust me, I really do. At least I think I do.

“Now would you stop and just tell me where you are!” None of this is helping. Where are you baby and what’s happened to you? I so want to come see you right now.

“I never moved on. Still standing there.” Trust me, I couldn’t move on. Still there where you left me on the day after Valentines.

“Please can you stop playing games?” Please talk straight to me and tell me you still love me as much…

“I never did.” I never pretended, I have always been honest, in my love, in my doubts..Games? I never played any game with you..

“You never stopped playing, didn’t you?” I know you still have your doubts. And it’s killing me.

“I never said that.”

“It’s always me isn’t it?” Why do I have to bear the brunt of your insecurities all the time?

“Yes, always.” Yes, you, always, have been and will be the one my heart beats for.

“But why? Can’t you leave me alone?” There you go again. If you love me, say it, show it, else let me deal with it my way.

“What was your question?” Did you realise what I just said to you??

“Can’t you spare me?”

“No I asked what your question was.” Did you realise what I just said to you?? Did you ???

“I just need a yes or no.”

“That was never a question. That’s just what you want.”

“What if I told you I had enough?”

“Tell me.” Tell me, can you really tell me you that had enough of me??I doubt it.

“I am telling you, right here, right now.” You have left no options for me than push you to your limits now.

“Thank you.” I knew you could never say that. See, you still couldn’t say that you had enough of me.I knew it!

“Why are you thanking me now?” What’s happening to you baby? Can’t you just say you love me and want me back? Is it that so hard?You just broke my heart again.

“For what you just wanted to say.” I got what you wanted to say baby, that you can never have enough of me..

“Now what did I say to deserve that?”

“You never did.” Yes you never said it, but I got it…See now I understand your unspoken words..I think I do..

“Never did what?”

“You never said it.”

“Never said what?”

“But you never said it, I just said.”

“Please I am going crazy now.”

“I am just here.” I am not there with you to make you go mad.

“Where ? For heaven’s sake can we have a normal conversation?”

“I thought we were having one.”

“Until I realised I am just standing in front of the lift unable to move.”

“I am sorry.” I have made you like this. I shouldn’t have. And I wouldn’t do further.

“Now you have to tell it as it is. Stop saying sorry all the time, is it clear?”

“Yes.”

“Yes what? Tell me what do you really want?”

“I just..”

“Wait; just tell me, in as simply as you can put it, what is that you want from me now?”

“I just wanted to tell you, it’s nothing. Please don’t bother.” Yes baby, just ignore my last message, don’t lose your cool…

“But how can I?”

“What can I do to make it easier for you?”

“If you just stop sending me random messages.”

“Sorry, I never did.” Random? Why would you think like that?

“What?”

“Sorry, I never will.” Okay, I will stop sending “random” messages.

“Please try and understand, it’s not easy for me either.”

“I understand, it’s difficult.”

“And hurtful too, for me, as much as it may be for you.”

“I know now.” I know you still love me, but probably you don’t deserve all this.

“What do you mean now?”

“Sorry.” Will I ever be understood again? Ever??

“For fuck’s sake would you stop saying sorry again and again?”

Silence.

“Are you there?”

“Yes I am. And I will never be sorry.”

“Because saying sorry doesn’t really change anything.”

“Yes, we never change.”

“YOU will never change.”

“I trust you.” NoI did change. I have changed. See, I trust you, your words now.

“At least you accept my words now.”

“I trust you, please believe me .” Believe me, I have changed.

“Its fine, I really have to press the button now.”

“Please.” Try and understand, I am not the same person who doubted your intentions, anymore.

“You take care. I have to hang up now.”

“Where are you going?”

“Have got a meeting, well you needn’t know.”

“I know.” I know, I don’t need to know. I have lost that right.

“What do you know? No tell me what do you know??”

“I just meant…”There you go again…I didn’t mean any of that what you started to think…

“I know what you mean. I exactly know what that sick brain of yours is up to.”

“No you don’t, trust me you don’t.”

“Trust! How fake that word sounds coming from your mouth!”

Silence. 

“Anyways, please don’t let me change my number.”

“Do I have that right?”

“Of course you don’t. Hope you all well, and please, LET ME LIVE.”

“Do I still have that right?”

Hung up.

CALL HISTORY

You        Today    11:03     25mins

MESSAGES

Feb 15  22:32   You: Enough is enough, hope you realise one day what you have done to me. I can’t live a life of lies and suspicion any more. We need a break.

Today 11:01      I: If I die today, will you come see me?

 

Today 11: 30    I: I know I don’t have any right to say sorry for what I have done. Do I still have that right to say sorry for what I have thought? I won’t die. I don’t deserve death.

Worse, I don’t deserve you.

Message sent.

 

11:32     Incoming call      You     You: I love you baby, I really do.

Swipe to answer

Call disconnected. I: can’t make it any harder for you. You are better off without me.Sorry…

 

You: Okay, I get it. You don’t want to take my call. You know what, enough is enough! I am coming to see you, right now.

 

© “And Life Unfolds” and Subhendu Mohanty, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Subhendu Mohanty and “And Life Unfolds” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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